I just returned back to my job today after taking almost three weeks off as per GP recommendation. It turns out anxiety had taken a chock hold on my job and well my everyday life really. Constantly battling with my flight or fight instincts on full throttle, trying to listen and focus on customer queries when my mind was completely in tatters trying to analyse absolute every minute detail without success. It’s like my were just synapses firing everywhere without anything actually working in motion. Mental and pyshical exhaustion makes everything sluggish and painful. Embarrassment and paranoia being a daily pattern.
Oh and the panic! Alarm bells going off at absolute everything. What did they just say? I don’t know what they mean? I don’t know what to ask? Why is everything coming out in riddles? Does my email response make sense? Does anything make sense? Do I make sense? What is wrong with my head?
Of course my mind wouldn’t switch off at night either, the same mental chatter and clatter feeling never ending. The hopelessness and failure that is me forever in the spotlight of my mind.
Luckily I had a GP who understood, and as well as having the well deserved time off I needed I am also on anti anxiety med’s and working through some CBT online. My employer have also been really supportive, despite feeling like I was going to be too overwelmed to return, I’ve now on reduced duties and hours to aid improvement.
Definately thought opening up to others about it would of been so much harder. Sometimes you think bottling up and ‘just getting on with it’ will take your mind off anxiety and worry, because you think everyone else has problems why care about mine??! But trust me from having experienced anxiety on and off for many years, it only makes life more difficult if you don’t take that first step to improvement. Will it be easy? Hell no, I was almost ready to run out of work as soon as I arrived today. But maybe I should slow down on the wanting to run away for a while and try taking some baby steps instead…